Inspiration

I really wanted to write about something inspiring today. In fact, this morning I was feeling better than I have lately [Fuck you Bipolar disorder], and was thinking about relatively happy inspiring things while walking to Coffeehouse before starting my work.

But now that I've gotten here, where I actually can write, I have nothing truly inspiring to write about. I'm more than a little disappointed. I write about my life on here, but I also want to be able to share things that are important to me or that I think need notice.

And since my life has been pretty uneventful and depressing (ok, maybe not uneventful, but still...) I just haven't been able to write much.

Have you guys ever felt a complete lack of inspiration, or even lost inspiration you thought you had? What do you do to fix this? I want to be able to maintain these small "up" moods while I can.

The Cycle of the Year

Due to the advise of a friend, I've been trying to focus on the troubles in my life that have been leading to my depression and ignoring the more minor ones. Originally,I was trying to solve the ones that I though were (logically) solvable. But as he pointed out, the factors beyond my control are by far the more worrisome ones, not to mention, more solvable, because they (for the most part) don't involve conversing with another human that is stubborn or unwilling to help.

I've been mostly successful thus far, but it was on my mind in particular today, especially when the song "Naked" - by Avril Lavigne came on:

I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside
'Cause life is like a game sometimes

But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotected
See how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust

Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right.

It definitely made me realize this year has been something of a cycle. At the beginning of they year I wasn't depressed persay, but definitely worried. Concerned with the ongoings of my life. And despite that I was around people I knew already and such, I still hadn't really opened up all that much. Until the friend I'm currently fighting with came around. We got close and he kind of managed to realize I wasn't all I seemed. He listened to my troubles and it felt right to be with him and try to be happy.

But that trust he gave me has gone now. I don't trust him anymore. And it diminishes daily. And all I can think is that at these moments of my life, no one has known me much better than him, and yet I don't just feel naked anymore. I feel vulnerable and shamed for letting in someone who doesn't seem to care.

So now I've returned to the first verse. I'm just putting on faces, maybe not different, but less severe, to get through the remainder of the semester. Only its different, because now I know what it was like to not have to do so. And I miss that feeling.

Words of Wisdom

People surprise me sometimes.

I was given excellent words of wisdom from my friend Eddie, after I told him about an encounter between me and the "friend" in my trust post that didn't go well.

He told me this:
Sometimes the best thing to do is ignore people who claim to be your friends like that [this is in respect to a few people we know actually]. Be civil, but don't go beyond that. You have bigger things to worry about. And if he notices this and cares, then make a point to him that he has to do something about it.

He also said:
We may come off as cold or anti-social people because we don't run up to other faking happiness to meet them or asking to be their friends immediately. That's what it is, fake. We keep to ourselves rather than fake things to suck up, seem cool or be able to ask favors later. And later on, when we get to know people and they really need someone, we're there for them. When they need us we're warm. True warmth is warmth when you actually care, warmth when it counts. Not warmth for show. Because those people tend to be the ones who let you down.


Oddly enough, this all cheered me up. Things still aren't peachy and I'm still not sure what to do about that friend of mine, mainly because he's so important to me. But I think this might be a step in the right direction.

Trust

How long does it take for someone to earn your trust?
And once they've earned it, do they get chances to redeem it once they've done something to make you lose trust in them?
What is sufficient enough to make you lose trust?
And what is sufficient enough to gain it back? Is it even possible?

Though there are a lot of things ruling my life right now, this seems the most tangible. Or controllable at least.

A good friend of mine--
Actually, to be honest, the guy I was kind of involved with who became my best friend, lost my trust. It's a long, crazy, whirlwind of a story and maybe I'll write it someday, but its not the focus. Essentially, I feel like after some things he said to me involving his character, my character and that we "weren't friends," I can't trust him.

But after fighting, trying to be normal, and my recent bout of depression, we finally talked about it and he claims to want to be my friend, to be able to open up to me, to be a part of my life.

I told him straight out, I'm not sure if I can be your friend, not the way we were, because I don't trust you. He didn't argue or wonder why he lost my trust, though we did discuss a bit why I didn't consider him and why I didn't want to be his friend. But he asked how to earn my trust back, to which I responded, "I don't know."



It's true. Mostly. Really, I could tell him why he lost it, despite my claims of "I just don't trust you." And I have a few ideas on what would earn my trust back. But the fact of the matter is I feel that's something he should figure out himself if he really wants my trust. It seems a little petty, but I feel it's not all that unreasonable.

He lost my trust because I cared about him. I still do. And you'd think he'd know that. But he seems to think he can act like nothing happened, that he can make jokes about our relationship or freely talk about his want to hookup with whoever possible. And I'm supposed to be ok with that. Despite the fact that I still care and its breaking my heart. I feel like its not too much to ask to express a want for courtesy or common sense. Especially since I "mean a lot to him."

I also don't know what to think of his intentions. I keep getting excuses of either "I'm not good enough for you" which makes me think he cares or "I'm a bad person. I like to mess with people, etc." So which one is it. These back and forth-s made me lose trust and prevent me from giving it back. I'm scared he's secretly messing with me, that he may or may not have been and is still stringing me along and making fun of me for caring about him so much.

I don't want to believe that. I really hope and wish with all my heart that I was right originally and that he's just struggling.

But then his actions confuse me.

Because to me if you tell someone you plan on earning their trust back, you put action toward it. Sure, maybe you settle into things a little. Let them ease to the way they were. But it takes more action. Is it too much to ask for proof that he wants my trust, proof that I do matter and that he's not just saying this. Even small gestures, like trying to be observant of someone's mood prove caring. And if he wants us to be "close," let's have real talks once in a while. Prove you want to be able to relate to m. Sure we like a lot of the same things superficially but what about emotions, feelings, opinions. I want him to be the one to say "Somethings wrong" not even a question, and basically pull me aside and have me confide in him without me having to ask. I don't trust him enough to ask anymore. I want him to tell me when he's struggling. I want that action to move towards the winning of trust. And I don't want to wait for it.

We have three weeks left of school. Then summer, during which he usually disappears, and then he's abroad for a full year. I don't want to be put on the back burner, I don't want this to be a slow process and I don't want him to think he come back from London and expect us to be best friends again. It doesn't work that way.

All in all, I know what I want from him and I don't. I know a few things that would help the trust process, but really, I need to hear it from him on his own accord through his own means. And I'm not sure if telling him all this would even help the process, or if it having to tell him proves my point.

I want to be able to trust him. I do. But I already gave him my heart, and look how that ended up.

In search of....something.

“The worst bankruptcy in the world is the person who has lost his enthusiasm.” - H.W. Arnold


"This melancholy London - I sometimes imagine that the souls of the lost are compelled to walk through its streets perpetually. One feels them passing like a whiff of air."
William Butler Yeats


I feel perpetually lost. Emotionally, figuratively, etc, etc, etc.
I've been working on this particular post since march 23. And through what is currently a bout with depression and some other various trying events, I still can't seem to find what I'm searching for...in this case, the words.

It's part of the reason I feel like I'm struggling so much right now. It's not knowing.
For the longest time, I was the person in my group of friends who had things together. I knew what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, who I was. I had what I considered to be guidelines to how I wanted to live my life.

And now I know nothing. I don't know who I am, what I want to do, where I want to be or even who I trust. It's difficult. And I've been working so hard to keep myself together for people for so long. But I've finally kind of given in. I just can't hide this one. I always try to keep mindful of how I affect others. But I'm tired of censoring my emotions for my friends all the time. And now its showing me who I can count on. I'm trying to draw a lot on literature I can relate to. A lot of Salinger, a bit of Fitzgerald. Who knows where it'll go, or what I'll find out, about myself and others. But maybe the change'll be good.

Or at least that's what I'm hoping.
And hopefully I can motivate myself enough to update tomorrow. I have something in mind, mainly about trust and friends.

What hurts the most...

"What hurts the most
was being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away.

And never knowing
What could've been
and not seeing that loving you
was all that I was trying to do."
- 'What Hurts the Most' Rascal Flatts.