Trust

How long does it take for someone to earn your trust?
And once they've earned it, do they get chances to redeem it once they've done something to make you lose trust in them?
What is sufficient enough to make you lose trust?
And what is sufficient enough to gain it back? Is it even possible?

Though there are a lot of things ruling my life right now, this seems the most tangible. Or controllable at least.

A good friend of mine--
Actually, to be honest, the guy I was kind of involved with who became my best friend, lost my trust. It's a long, crazy, whirlwind of a story and maybe I'll write it someday, but its not the focus. Essentially, I feel like after some things he said to me involving his character, my character and that we "weren't friends," I can't trust him.

But after fighting, trying to be normal, and my recent bout of depression, we finally talked about it and he claims to want to be my friend, to be able to open up to me, to be a part of my life.

I told him straight out, I'm not sure if I can be your friend, not the way we were, because I don't trust you. He didn't argue or wonder why he lost my trust, though we did discuss a bit why I didn't consider him and why I didn't want to be his friend. But he asked how to earn my trust back, to which I responded, "I don't know."



It's true. Mostly. Really, I could tell him why he lost it, despite my claims of "I just don't trust you." And I have a few ideas on what would earn my trust back. But the fact of the matter is I feel that's something he should figure out himself if he really wants my trust. It seems a little petty, but I feel it's not all that unreasonable.

He lost my trust because I cared about him. I still do. And you'd think he'd know that. But he seems to think he can act like nothing happened, that he can make jokes about our relationship or freely talk about his want to hookup with whoever possible. And I'm supposed to be ok with that. Despite the fact that I still care and its breaking my heart. I feel like its not too much to ask to express a want for courtesy or common sense. Especially since I "mean a lot to him."

I also don't know what to think of his intentions. I keep getting excuses of either "I'm not good enough for you" which makes me think he cares or "I'm a bad person. I like to mess with people, etc." So which one is it. These back and forth-s made me lose trust and prevent me from giving it back. I'm scared he's secretly messing with me, that he may or may not have been and is still stringing me along and making fun of me for caring about him so much.

I don't want to believe that. I really hope and wish with all my heart that I was right originally and that he's just struggling.

But then his actions confuse me.

Because to me if you tell someone you plan on earning their trust back, you put action toward it. Sure, maybe you settle into things a little. Let them ease to the way they were. But it takes more action. Is it too much to ask for proof that he wants my trust, proof that I do matter and that he's not just saying this. Even small gestures, like trying to be observant of someone's mood prove caring. And if he wants us to be "close," let's have real talks once in a while. Prove you want to be able to relate to m. Sure we like a lot of the same things superficially but what about emotions, feelings, opinions. I want him to be the one to say "Somethings wrong" not even a question, and basically pull me aside and have me confide in him without me having to ask. I don't trust him enough to ask anymore. I want him to tell me when he's struggling. I want that action to move towards the winning of trust. And I don't want to wait for it.

We have three weeks left of school. Then summer, during which he usually disappears, and then he's abroad for a full year. I don't want to be put on the back burner, I don't want this to be a slow process and I don't want him to think he come back from London and expect us to be best friends again. It doesn't work that way.

All in all, I know what I want from him and I don't. I know a few things that would help the trust process, but really, I need to hear it from him on his own accord through his own means. And I'm not sure if telling him all this would even help the process, or if it having to tell him proves my point.

I want to be able to trust him. I do. But I already gave him my heart, and look how that ended up.