The Cycle of the Year

Due to the advise of a friend, I've been trying to focus on the troubles in my life that have been leading to my depression and ignoring the more minor ones. Originally,I was trying to solve the ones that I though were (logically) solvable. But as he pointed out, the factors beyond my control are by far the more worrisome ones, not to mention, more solvable, because they (for the most part) don't involve conversing with another human that is stubborn or unwilling to help.

I've been mostly successful thus far, but it was on my mind in particular today, especially when the song "Naked" - by Avril Lavigne came on:

I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside
'Cause life is like a game sometimes

But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotected
See how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust

Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right.

It definitely made me realize this year has been something of a cycle. At the beginning of they year I wasn't depressed persay, but definitely worried. Concerned with the ongoings of my life. And despite that I was around people I knew already and such, I still hadn't really opened up all that much. Until the friend I'm currently fighting with came around. We got close and he kind of managed to realize I wasn't all I seemed. He listened to my troubles and it felt right to be with him and try to be happy.

But that trust he gave me has gone now. I don't trust him anymore. And it diminishes daily. And all I can think is that at these moments of my life, no one has known me much better than him, and yet I don't just feel naked anymore. I feel vulnerable and shamed for letting in someone who doesn't seem to care.

So now I've returned to the first verse. I'm just putting on faces, maybe not different, but less severe, to get through the remainder of the semester. Only its different, because now I know what it was like to not have to do so. And I miss that feeling.