Lather, Rinse, Repeat - A story of Trust and my personal Kryptonite

I have a hard time letting things go.

There. I said it.

I call myself adaptable.  And I am. Really.  I adjust easily.  Change never really appears to affect my life, especially in profession and public spheres.  I'm known for being good under pressure and quick on my feet.

But when I have a break--a quick breather to think for myself, that all slips away.  I pretty much melt and cry and wallow in the stink of my own misery.  And the things that make me miserably truly stick with me for years.

And it's always bothered me a bit.  But never like this. Never enough to wear it truly threatened my day to day function like it is now.

So what am I supposed to do when there are things I specifically don't want to wallow in.  What am I supposed to do when the opportunity to better and fix some of these things is right in front of me and I don't know how?

I have big issues with trust.  There's always the cliche of it takes years to build and seconds to break.  But I reach far beyond that.  I have put my trust in the wrong people so many times its instinct for me to act purely in hesitation, tip toe-ing around uncertainties  and disappointment.

I'm also quick to forgive.  An act a number of my friends have called naive.  Given that I don't trust many of these same friends, I find it difficult to take that opinion seriously.  It's dangerous, yes, but I have a (perhaps unreasonable) certain amount of respect and hope that I hold in people that I am not willing to compromise due to cynicism.  The cognitive dissonance that this creates is part of the problem.

Someone re-entered my life recently.  A person I can say without a doubt in my entire being that I love and care for like no one before.  And like many others he was someone I trusted to the core only to be let down.

He's changed a lot.  And that's not just my personal opinion, but that of mutual friends. He's more mature now, and he's largely making the right amends.  But there are still instances I worry. And feel bad for doing so.

I do innately trust him.  When we're together my mind holds no doubt. I'm happy. More confident than ever. Less concerned than usual.  He brings out the best in me.

But when we part ways the little voice comes back and lingers around, whispering to me. Reminders. Snide remarks.  "I wasn't worth it then, why now."/"Has he really changed?"/"He can do some much better than me."/"There's such a discrepancy between who he is naturally and who he tries to be, if he picks one over the other will he still want me?"

I remember the ways he hurt me.  The ways he lied, manipulated, switched back and forth and made me doubt. I worry that I embarrass him.  That I'm not good enough.  That he needs someone more like him.  Social. Charismatic. Outgoing and charming.  I worry that I worry too much or have too many problems.

And then there's the parts of him I've never understood.  Why is he so bad at communicating? (Admittedly, he is much improved.  But I still worry when he fails to text back.)  Why is he always cautious with me in public? While we both agree we should keep our relationship DL for a while to avoid meddling of opinionated old friends, does he have ulterior motives for wanting this?  Is there a reason that even now he has never called me his girlfriend? Even after the many stages and years we've been going through this on and off relationship. 

I don't want to feel like this.  And I don't always.  There are even times when we're apart.  When he's busy at work and I'm writing or reading, that I feel content with our relationship.  When I don't doubt him or his feelings.  And he makes me unbelievably happy when we're together.  The happiest people have ever seen me.

So how do I avoid these feelings?  Time. yes. Trust. Yes.  But how do I get to a point where feelings like this won't backfire and cost me the very relationship I fought so hard to have again? The relationship that, no matter how difficult it can be to trust him, that I still don't want to be without?

I know there are no real answers.  That this isn't an easy path.  All I can decide is if it's worth it.  And work to make it what I want. (For the record, it is and I am).  But I need to get these feelings out, and hope I can move beyond the lather, rinse, and repeat.