It's funny to see that little "Publish" button at the top of the screen again taunting me.
To be honest, I have about 10 drafts of posts between this one and my last post. The reason that little orange publish button hasn't met the mouse yet is that they all feel incomplete. Each one is a cluster of confusion--a dash of old and a spice of new and a whole lot of wishy washy in-between.
I guess the difference today is that I'm aware of it. Lately I've been hanging my head in shame over it all. The sense of feeling incomplete. Of not being where I want to be. It takes a lot to step-up and say "No, this isn't what I planned. But I can fix it."
I have always held myself to high expectations. And it helped that others had them of me too. So naturally, this whole "college graduate" thing hasn't jammed well with me. I've always been an excellent student, a good study, a great learner. But I've always felt like I don't excel in anything. I'm good at the process, the methods of school, of in-taking and transforming knowledge. I'm a jack of all trades and expert at none.
Fact is, things have been rough accepting this. Moving back to where I grew up, and sensing the 'Oh, what happened" from people when they hear I work a PRN job and am living at home. And seeing everyone I went to school with doing such amazing things. The problem with going somewhere prestigious as even the most standard post-graduate job seems lame. Seeing everyone with new life-experiences--moving somewhere new and making new friends, having money to take on new interests and try new things--it's hard. And a lot of times I feel like no one understands why. Everyone goes by the standard of "Well in this economy, you're lucky to have a job. You're lucky to have your parents support."
And that's true. I'm not denying it by any means. But it's disappointing as someone who has always held herself to such a higher standard.
My boyfriend pointed out to me the other day that none of us are even vaguely where we thought we'd be. And that's true. But it's frustrating to not see the means to get where you want to be.
It's a struggle to work a job where hours are all over. I work 10 hours one week and 50 the next, I work a lot of nights and weekends. My co-workers are all older. There's not a lot of room for variety and its disenchanting that a job where I thought I could help people, I find I have less effect that I thought. I don't have time to study for the GRE or add research to my resume for grad school. And the longer I'm in this job, I feel i need it, but the farther it seems. It's emotionally consuming and exhausting. On my days off all I want to do is sleep.
I work a lot of weekends, which are the only times I get to see my boyfriend, or friends who wander into town. And I live so far from work and from my boyfriend its tough to have the life or distraction outside of work everyone says I need. I can't drop by the new art installation or happy hour. It takes a lot of planning for me to go anywhere or do anything.
And there's the anxiety. I've always had some anxiety, but I've had such extreme fears lately. Fears over my job, my lack of life/social life, ability to enjoy myself. I have these bouts of anxiety and panic with increasing intensity, and even though I feel them coming on, I just can't stop them. I can feel myself falling into more and more hopelessness. I can feel the depression setting in.
But you know what, even though I'm over here feeling sorry for myself, I'm becoming more and more sure I can fix it. Sure, I'm not certain of where I'm going. I second-guess myself ten times a day about everything. And it's so weird after being so confident for so long. But I'm finding little pockets of hope to fix it. I got bumped up to full time at my job. I'm keeping options open. I've got leads on research. And despite my intense pride over the situation, I'm going to make an appointment to see a psychologist. I've fallen into some rough times and made some bad choices and I refuse to go there again.
So hello graduate school, hello dream life-of a twenty-something. Hello financial independence and unique experience. I'm done sitting out. It's not ideal, but I'll find my way somehow. And maybe with the right steps it won't be too long a way off.
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