These are my confessions...and more thoughts I probably shouldn't be having...

Yes, that title did come in part from an Usher song. ;)

But the confession is kind of nerdy.
However its necessary for the context of this post.

I watch a lot of Anime.

Yes, you read that right. Girl who likes fashion, adventure and sports and all things social is also an anime nerd.

Personally, I've never thought this was that shocking, but from people at school I've learned watching anime is associated with a lack of social skills that I most certainly have.

Why am I sharing this random and all that non-important issue with you all?

Because its what has generated my most recent thought process.

Generally speaking, anime tends to have a strong sense of story presence and covers a lot of important issues. Thus why its apparently more geared to teens and adults.

Recently I've been re-watching a ton of old animes I watched as a kid. And while its enjoyable to relive that, I realize that's all I've been doing lately.

Reliving.

I've lost a sense of my life. Yes, that sounds depressing. But its true. And for some reason I'm at a loss of how to feel about that.

Because when it comes down to it, I don't know what I feel about anything these days. I have no activities or interests beyond whats tossed in front of me. And I just can't seem to be entraped or entranced with my current ongoings. Instead I think.

I guess my biggest concern that anime has addressed for me lately is time. We change. We develop. We leave people we love and find new people in our lives. We jump into things that, if people had told us years ago would happen, we would've thought they were crazy. Time goes on no matter how you feel, what you think or how you've been spending it. And all things come to an end.

And while they try to keep it upbeat, its kind of a brutal realization. It makes you oddly aware. Not just of mortality. But of change. Of the progression of the familiar and the changes of life states. And while I often enjoy change and new things (I am adaptable, I promise), I just find it all so horribly bittersweet. Because now that I'm old enough to realize I haven't appreciated things as I should've I want them back. I want both the old and the new. I'm being selfish.


Maybe I'm just going through a tough time right now which is why I feel this. I've always considered myself a "no regret/carpe diem" sort of person. But right now I'm just trotting all these old roads. Memories of times long gone.

Not all that glitters is gold, not all those who wander are lost.

Those of a lingering past, search that which was never forgot.
Yes, thats my own unique addition.
No I won't clarify.


Ok, maybe I will.

To me, searching the past doesn't NECESSARILY mean you're depressed or wishing for things gone. (In my case it kind of is, I'll admit). Sometimes you're looking at things you never realized. Or enjoying things you can now appreciate. Or searching for a meaning that was never told (or never meant to be). It was never forgotten because it never existed.


Ok, that was a long ramble of a post. My apologies. Just needed to get out those thoughts.