Rain rain please don't stay, and other musings of a monday.

It's raining.

This morning when we drove to campus it was hot and humid. There were clouds, but it didnt look overcast.

Then halfway through my ten o'clock, it started pouring. Like torrential downpour would be an accurate word.

And at first, I was like "oh hey, look. Rain." But then I realized (and if you know me well, you'd realize too), what was wrong with that statement.

I Love rain. Like seriously. I am the kind of person who typically jumps for joy when it rains.

So why the lackluster expression?

Because this rain feels like a reflection of me right now. Of my conflict.

This morning I was in a severely irritated/emotional mood. And while I tried to pass it off as tired, I think I secretly (and my roommate secretly) knew the real reason.

This weekend was a send off party for someone I know who is spending the year abroad in London. I guess you could say we have a tumultuous relationship. And it hasn't really been settled. We just can't seem to figure anything out between the two of us. But he's been an important factor n my life.

And while I spent most of saturday night trying to figure out whether or not I should go to his party (I wasn't technically invited but when he tried to talk to me the other day he mentioned I should go). But between the craziness of our relationship and the mixed signals that I have gotten from him pretty much since day 1, I couldn't decide if I could say goodbye.

Saying goodbye meant admitting he was going. And I wasn't sure if it should even be my place (or if I even wanted to) given our relationship. Part of me was worried about his reaction (would he be happy to see me and claim to miss me or would I be laughed at and blown off?). I never know what his reaction is going to be to anything. Another part questioned whether I wanted to say goodbye. Part of me still cares, but another part is fed up and tells me he's not worth the time.

So after debate, friends trying to influence my decision and many tears I didn't go.

Despite being in the same building, I didn't walk down two flights of stairs for a farewell.

People said I needed to for closure or because I would regret it.

But I don't.
Because not saying goodbye gives me the "ignorance is bliss" notion. He can be gone and I can positively muse possible outcomes of what would've been our interactions and whether or not he would've missed me. And I don't have anything to contradict me, because nothing did happen and I will never no.

And to me this is better. It's not regret at all. Regret is "I should have done" blah blah blah.

This is "What if..." or "I wonder if this had happened". With that I don't get hurt. I may not know what is true (honestly who knows if we had interacted if I would've gotten the truth anyway...). But at least I'm not hurt.

I've, for once, been selfish and protected my heart. And while its a little bitter sweet, I'm not thinking "I shouldn't have gone." and I don't have the reminder of a negative reaction or occurrence playing in my head.

Instead I'm riddled with happy "What if's"

Interesting musings for a monday huh.

I'm sorry rain, but for once, I kind of wish you'd go away.