It's raining.
This morning when we drove to campus it was hot and humid. There were clouds, but it didnt look overcast.
Then halfway through my ten o'clock, it started pouring. Like torrential downpour would be an accurate word.
And at first, I was like "oh hey, look. Rain." But then I realized (and if you know me well, you'd realize too), what was wrong with that statement.
I Love rain. Like seriously. I am the kind of person who typically jumps for joy when it rains.
So why the lackluster expression?
Because this rain feels like a reflection of me right now. Of my conflict.
This morning I was in a severely irritated/emotional mood. And while I tried to pass it off as tired, I think I secretly (and my roommate secretly) knew the real reason.
This weekend was a send off party for someone I know who is spending the year abroad in London. I guess you could say we have a tumultuous relationship. And it hasn't really been settled. We just can't seem to figure anything out between the two of us. But he's been an important factor n my life.
And while I spent most of saturday night trying to figure out whether or not I should go to his party (I wasn't technically invited but when he tried to talk to me the other day he mentioned I should go). But between the craziness of our relationship and the mixed signals that I have gotten from him pretty much since day 1, I couldn't decide if I could say goodbye.
Saying goodbye meant admitting he was going. And I wasn't sure if it should even be my place (or if I even wanted to) given our relationship. Part of me was worried about his reaction (would he be happy to see me and claim to miss me or would I be laughed at and blown off?). I never know what his reaction is going to be to anything. Another part questioned whether I wanted to say goodbye. Part of me still cares, but another part is fed up and tells me he's not worth the time.
So after debate, friends trying to influence my decision and many tears I didn't go.
Despite being in the same building, I didn't walk down two flights of stairs for a farewell.
People said I needed to for closure or because I would regret it.
But I don't.
Because not saying goodbye gives me the "ignorance is bliss" notion. He can be gone and I can positively muse possible outcomes of what would've been our interactions and whether or not he would've missed me. And I don't have anything to contradict me, because nothing did happen and I will never no.
And to me this is better. It's not regret at all. Regret is "I should have done" blah blah blah.
This is "What if..." or "I wonder if this had happened". With that I don't get hurt. I may not know what is true (honestly who knows if we had interacted if I would've gotten the truth anyway...). But at least I'm not hurt.
I've, for once, been selfish and protected my heart. And while its a little bitter sweet, I'm not thinking "I shouldn't have gone." and I don't have the reminder of a negative reaction or occurrence playing in my head.
Instead I'm riddled with happy "What if's"
Interesting musings for a monday huh.
I'm sorry rain, but for once, I kind of wish you'd go away.
8.22.2010
My oh-so blonde apartment moments and making tough decisions.
I swear if my life were a tv show, people would be curled up in balls on their couch laughing, with their sides hurting from the constant hilarity of the dumb things I do.
Honestly, I don't plan it.
And most of them aren't really dumb persay as my luck is just hilarious and ironic.
For example:
I was hungry the other day and decided to be semi-healthy and make a baked potato. So I cleaned it and poked the holes in it, etc. BUT. When I got to the microwave there was no baked potato button.
Yes I'm spoiled. My microwave at home has a button specifically for baked potatoes.
Well, this didn't deter me. I was like NO FEAR! MAYBE THERE'S INSTRUCTIONS (in a heroic voice...ok no not really).
Nonetheless, I found the instructions on the inner door of the microwave. But yet again, no reference to baked potatoes.
Well Phooey.
So I kind of played it by ear.
Well, potatoes are vegetables.
So I clicked the push vegetables button.
I expected options of the kind.
Nope.
No options. DON'T YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF VEGETABLE YOU'RE COOKING?
Oh well, I thought. But then, it asks me ounces.
Ounces.
First off, what, do I have a scale in my kitchen? How am I supposed to know the ounces of potatoes? I don't even know how to vaguely guess-timate ounces. I could step on a scale with the potato and subtract my weight. Oh wait, no scale, I'm in an apartment, not my actual house.
So I put 5. Because hell if I know the weight of the potato. I can't even look at people and tell you how tall they are. I know a lot of people who can give you an estimate of height and weight by looking at a person. Nope, not me. Everyone looks freaking tall to me.
Needless to say this potato cooking failed and I made mac and cheese instead. Because even I can't screw that up.
(Note: I am actually good at cooking. I'm great with complicated dishes. Just not simple things where I only have to press like, two buttons).
To add to these adventures, I didn't buy a can opener when I went shopping because I was like "Psh, I don't eat anything that comes in cans."
Well, that was half true.
I don't, but some of the ingredients I use in the stuff I make comes in cans. Poo.
So I realize this as I'm cooking one of said dishes. And no can opener.
So after attempts at stabbing can with steak knife and using a box cutter, I finally succeeded.
With a hammer and screwdriver. Because I'm too lazy to return to the store and clearly being barbaric is a better option.
I've also realized that I don't really fall in the list v. no-list fight for shoppers very well. I know a lot of people who go to the store without a list. Some succeed and many go for milk and return with gum and candy instead. I don't do that.
By the same notion, I know people like my mom, who sit at the kitchen table right before they go and make a list without looking in the pantry. And make a very long and efficient one in order of where everything is in the store.
Yeah, I'm not that skilled either.
I make a list and add to it as I think of things.
The problem is I'm not always near said list when I think of things.
So I forgot a trash can, and chilis, and salad mix, and a whole bunch of other stuff.
I must be secretly blonde...oh wait, I am. Hahahah.
In other news, I made a tough choice today/last night. You all know I've mentioned being in something of a quarter life crisis. And I decided to healthily make good choices and try try try to move forward and past it, I must say goodbye too someone I was dearly trying to hold on to. Someone I really care about, albeit probably more than they deserve. We swore we'd try to stay friends but I'm tired of putting the effort forth and feeling like its just on my end that effort as being put. So I bought a small token. Something of a "Good luck abroad, I wish you well but Goodbye you can't be in my life" sort of thing. I don't know what to expect or what this'll do to him. I don't even know what I would do to me on my end. But here's to hoping its what I need.
Honestly, I don't plan it.
And most of them aren't really dumb persay as my luck is just hilarious and ironic.
For example:
I was hungry the other day and decided to be semi-healthy and make a baked potato. So I cleaned it and poked the holes in it, etc. BUT. When I got to the microwave there was no baked potato button.
Yes I'm spoiled. My microwave at home has a button specifically for baked potatoes.
Well, this didn't deter me. I was like NO FEAR! MAYBE THERE'S INSTRUCTIONS (in a heroic voice...ok no not really).
Nonetheless, I found the instructions on the inner door of the microwave. But yet again, no reference to baked potatoes.
Well Phooey.
So I kind of played it by ear.
Well, potatoes are vegetables.
So I clicked the push vegetables button.
I expected options of the kind.
Nope.
No options. DON'T YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF VEGETABLE YOU'RE COOKING?
Oh well, I thought. But then, it asks me ounces.
Ounces.
First off, what, do I have a scale in my kitchen? How am I supposed to know the ounces of potatoes? I don't even know how to vaguely guess-timate ounces. I could step on a scale with the potato and subtract my weight. Oh wait, no scale, I'm in an apartment, not my actual house.
So I put 5. Because hell if I know the weight of the potato. I can't even look at people and tell you how tall they are. I know a lot of people who can give you an estimate of height and weight by looking at a person. Nope, not me. Everyone looks freaking tall to me.
Needless to say this potato cooking failed and I made mac and cheese instead. Because even I can't screw that up.
(Note: I am actually good at cooking. I'm great with complicated dishes. Just not simple things where I only have to press like, two buttons).
To add to these adventures, I didn't buy a can opener when I went shopping because I was like "Psh, I don't eat anything that comes in cans."
Well, that was half true.
I don't, but some of the ingredients I use in the stuff I make comes in cans. Poo.
So I realize this as I'm cooking one of said dishes. And no can opener.
So after attempts at stabbing can with steak knife and using a box cutter, I finally succeeded.
With a hammer and screwdriver. Because I'm too lazy to return to the store and clearly being barbaric is a better option.
I've also realized that I don't really fall in the list v. no-list fight for shoppers very well. I know a lot of people who go to the store without a list. Some succeed and many go for milk and return with gum and candy instead. I don't do that.
By the same notion, I know people like my mom, who sit at the kitchen table right before they go and make a list without looking in the pantry. And make a very long and efficient one in order of where everything is in the store.
Yeah, I'm not that skilled either.
I make a list and add to it as I think of things.
The problem is I'm not always near said list when I think of things.
So I forgot a trash can, and chilis, and salad mix, and a whole bunch of other stuff.
I must be secretly blonde...oh wait, I am. Hahahah.
In other news, I made a tough choice today/last night. You all know I've mentioned being in something of a quarter life crisis. And I decided to healthily make good choices and try try try to move forward and past it, I must say goodbye too someone I was dearly trying to hold on to. Someone I really care about, albeit probably more than they deserve. We swore we'd try to stay friends but I'm tired of putting the effort forth and feeling like its just on my end that effort as being put. So I bought a small token. Something of a "Good luck abroad, I wish you well but Goodbye you can't be in my life" sort of thing. I don't know what to expect or what this'll do to him. I don't even know what I would do to me on my end. But here's to hoping its what I need.
8.17.2010
Having my own place, Why I'm the kind of person who keeps busy and little realizations.
Hi hi blog people. :D
So it's obviously been a while. But here's what you've missed. Or rather why I've missed you.
Firstly, I'm (FINALLY) done with my job. I have the option to go back to it since I'm a seasonal worker, but for now, I'm done. No more.
For those of you who don't know me IRL, all you need to know is I worked in retail, at the clearance center of a high end store (Thus not really clearance-y). And trust me, even the clearance centers of such stores are still pretty ridiculous.
I enjoyed it for the most part, but dear lord did I miss school.
Speaking of which, I'm in HOUSTON, in my OWN apartment (well, I have a roommate, but she hasn't officially moved in/started staying here yet). It's pretty sweet and this is my excitement.
It's sepia because the lighting in this place SUCKS right now. 'Specially because it's night and all and I have lamps on.
Cha.
Anywho. The place isn't entirely furnished yet. Like we have a coffee table for eating on, a tv. I have a bed and desk. But yeah. Still missing things like A COUCH (roomie is supposed to bring that sometime this week). So my butt hurts. Cause I'm writing this on the floor of the dining area next to the tiny poorly stocked kitchen.
I really need to not be broke so I can buy full on groceries. Because I never realized that A. I eat a lot and B. I like variety in my food.
Speaking of things I've never realized, a few have come to my attention.
Like:
1. My last boyfriend had me kind of spoiled. No details on that one sorry.
2. I'm so ridiculously NOT over that one like I thought I was.
3. Thank God for him being abroad all year.
4. I'm more paranoid than I thought.
5. I can get away with a lot more than I thought.
6. Despite considering myself into fashion, I am MISSING a lot of what I would consider essential pieces to a solid outfit. You know, solid v-necks, day dresses, belts, cardigans. The works.
7. I HATE NOT BEING BUSY.
About that last one.
People are always like "OH.EM.GEE You're always so stressed/calm down/do less."
Well, I figured out why I always over-book myself.
I don't know what to do myself when not busy.
Like for serious.
I complained a lot this summer about working full time and not having time for other shit, but I realize it was soo much better than being bored all summer.
Because really all I did today was work out, eat, and try to figure out how to entertain myself via interwebs. And all it's done is make me restless.
So what if when term starts I'm taking 17 hours, am secretary of a club, helping coordinate one of the biggest events on campus, aiming for a 4.0, studying for the GRE, playing intramurals, applying for more scholarships/internships, mentoring underprivledged high-schoolers and volunteering on the side?
Yeah. And looking for a small job.
At least I'm busy. And I enjoy myself.
Today, I tried to bring myself to unpack.
I planned color coordination for my dining room.
I tried to write. But I'm lacking inspiration right now and I can only write so much without knowing where to go with it.
I swept and vacuumed, dusted, and got things ready for when school starts.
I did my yoga, made coffee, got a free coffee, took a walk, and worked out twice.
AND I'm STILL BORED.
It blows.
So all of you guys should come up with projects for me to do (other than finish unpacking), so I can be un-bored.
Toodles.
I'm off to go make a third dinner.
So it's obviously been a while. But here's what you've missed. Or rather why I've missed you.
Firstly, I'm (FINALLY) done with my job. I have the option to go back to it since I'm a seasonal worker, but for now, I'm done. No more.
For those of you who don't know me IRL, all you need to know is I worked in retail, at the clearance center of a high end store (Thus not really clearance-y). And trust me, even the clearance centers of such stores are still pretty ridiculous.
I enjoyed it for the most part, but dear lord did I miss school.
Speaking of which, I'm in HOUSTON, in my OWN apartment (well, I have a roommate, but she hasn't officially moved in/started staying here yet). It's pretty sweet and this is my excitement.
It's sepia because the lighting in this place SUCKS right now. 'Specially because it's night and all and I have lamps on.
Cha.
Anywho. The place isn't entirely furnished yet. Like we have a coffee table for eating on, a tv. I have a bed and desk. But yeah. Still missing things like A COUCH (roomie is supposed to bring that sometime this week). So my butt hurts. Cause I'm writing this on the floor of the dining area next to the tiny poorly stocked kitchen.
I really need to not be broke so I can buy full on groceries. Because I never realized that A. I eat a lot and B. I like variety in my food.
Speaking of things I've never realized, a few have come to my attention.
Like:
1. My last boyfriend had me kind of spoiled. No details on that one sorry.
2. I'm so ridiculously NOT over that one like I thought I was.
3. Thank God for him being abroad all year.
4. I'm more paranoid than I thought.
5. I can get away with a lot more than I thought.
6. Despite considering myself into fashion, I am MISSING a lot of what I would consider essential pieces to a solid outfit. You know, solid v-necks, day dresses, belts, cardigans. The works.
7. I HATE NOT BEING BUSY.
About that last one.
People are always like "OH.EM.GEE You're always so stressed/calm down/do less."
Well, I figured out why I always over-book myself.
I don't know what to do myself when not busy.
Like for serious.
I complained a lot this summer about working full time and not having time for other shit, but I realize it was soo much better than being bored all summer.
Because really all I did today was work out, eat, and try to figure out how to entertain myself via interwebs. And all it's done is make me restless.
So what if when term starts I'm taking 17 hours, am secretary of a club, helping coordinate one of the biggest events on campus, aiming for a 4.0, studying for the GRE, playing intramurals, applying for more scholarships/internships, mentoring underprivledged high-schoolers and volunteering on the side?
Yeah. And looking for a small job.
At least I'm busy. And I enjoy myself.
Today, I tried to bring myself to unpack.
I planned color coordination for my dining room.
I tried to write. But I'm lacking inspiration right now and I can only write so much without knowing where to go with it.
I swept and vacuumed, dusted, and got things ready for when school starts.
I did my yoga, made coffee, got a free coffee, took a walk, and worked out twice.
AND I'm STILL BORED.
It blows.
So all of you guys should come up with projects for me to do (other than finish unpacking), so I can be un-bored.
Toodles.
I'm off to go make a third dinner.
8.04.2010
Why it's a bad idea to give me three days off, an undying hole in my pocket from thrift stores and moving.
From Here
So...
I haven't worked since Sunday.
A-a-a-and, its kind of killing me.
Because I know know know that when I go back, it's going to kill me. Like, maybe literally. Because my feet may fall off and if one more customer is rude to me, I might retaliate and the secret service of high-end retail stores will shoot me down...
Ok. Maybe I have an overactive imagination. But seriously, as much as I don't mind my job, and am lucky to have one in this economy, I'm tired of it. I need out. At least 'til Christmas.
In these three days, I've cooked, cleaned,packed, prepped, worked out, studied, wrote and designed. The free-time has kind of been great.
So I'm not looking forward to giving that up. Plus I leave in almost a week.
Yes. I'm moving back to H-Town for a new school year. And since it's my junior year, like all other juniors I've been kicked off campus. So APARTMENT TIME. I'm looking forward to it. More freedom, more fun, more room.
More clothes.
Oh. Lets not forget. So I went to Buffalo Exchange (a exchange/thrift store with multiple locales), for the first time in months on Monday. I love the Houston Buffalo (Not that Dallas's place is bad, but Houston is just bigger and has more of a selection). But I'm finding that every time I walk in there I spend a LOT. Like $50+ (a lot because I'm a poor college student and this is my personal money and not my parents' money). But I got cute things like a green retro-ish dress, new shorts and cute giraffe-print heels! Valorie went with me and got some great dresses too. :D
Yeah. The two of us + thrift stores = $$$$. Maybe we have issues.
Nah. ;)
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