Well to be honest. I don't know.
And I've been so apathetic lately, I also don't care.
That sounds weird. I know.
But I'm just so goddamn tired. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of working and planning and thinking it'll pay off in the end.
Because all that'll happen is something new I'll have to work for.
It's a little scary not caring. And not knowing.
The plan. Well the plan has changed so much.
I guess as of now the plan is graduate school.
But I'm scared shitless about that. I don't think I can get in.
What happens if I don't? What if?
Life is a whole bunch of what ifs.
But you know what...
Fuck ten years. I don't even know what I'll be doing in ten minutes.
12.06.2010
30 Day Challenge - Day 1
There's no way in hell I could pull off this challenge consecutively. I'm far too busy. So here's Day 1.
Honestly, the fact that Day 1 of this challenge is about my relationship status makes me more than a little miffed and convinced that the universe is out to get me.
From that you can of course guess I'm Single. And honestly, single life doesn't usually bother me. I'm ok with being single. I'm more than used to and comfortable with being alone and doing my own thing. But these days its really been getting to me. I think a large amount of it probably has to do with the fact that my last two relationships were far out of the ordinary and have had a significant impact on me. The last one in particular is bound to leave a lasting scar and has definitely changed my outlook on life.
But the thing that's bugging me the most is that I lost a lot of faith in myself.
I was never extremely fearful in relation to guys and relationships. For the most part I was actually pretty bold about the whole thing.
But now that I'm ready to move on from my past relationship, I'm finding I can't. The boy I'm interested in is hard to read, and normally this wouldn't deter me at all, but I've lost faith in myself altogether. I can't bring myself to do anything about it. In fact, I'm more than a little terrified. I'm tired. Sick and tired. Of being hurt, of having my faith shattered, of being in love and not getting it in return.
Go figure, he's sitting next to me as I write this.
And I'm too scared to turn the screen towards him and show him this.
But that's life I suppose. And I'll hold out while I can. Maybe I'll regain that faith in myself.
But for now we'll stick with single and hating it.
Honestly, the fact that Day 1 of this challenge is about my relationship status makes me more than a little miffed and convinced that the universe is out to get me.
From that you can of course guess I'm Single. And honestly, single life doesn't usually bother me. I'm ok with being single. I'm more than used to and comfortable with being alone and doing my own thing. But these days its really been getting to me. I think a large amount of it probably has to do with the fact that my last two relationships were far out of the ordinary and have had a significant impact on me. The last one in particular is bound to leave a lasting scar and has definitely changed my outlook on life.
But the thing that's bugging me the most is that I lost a lot of faith in myself.
I was never extremely fearful in relation to guys and relationships. For the most part I was actually pretty bold about the whole thing.
But now that I'm ready to move on from my past relationship, I'm finding I can't. The boy I'm interested in is hard to read, and normally this wouldn't deter me at all, but I've lost faith in myself altogether. I can't bring myself to do anything about it. In fact, I'm more than a little terrified. I'm tired. Sick and tired. Of being hurt, of having my faith shattered, of being in love and not getting it in return.
Go figure, he's sitting next to me as I write this.
And I'm too scared to turn the screen towards him and show him this.
But that's life I suppose. And I'll hold out while I can. Maybe I'll regain that faith in myself.
But for now we'll stick with single and hating it.
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