Valentine's Sentiments

Well, given the state of how much work I have, I've determine I might never get a new layout done. So for now we're living with this. Hope no one minds. (If you do mind, you probably have issues though...j/k. Maybe.)

Anyway.
It's Valentine's Day. And I just really wanted to share my beliefs and their roots.
Now before you click away, this isn't going to be some femi-nazi "RAWR VALENTINES DAY FEMINISM" rant. Nor will it be an "I'M SINGLE AND LONELY AND NO ONE LOVES ME" one. Although that might be closer to the truth. (j/k. again) Instead, I just want to share my thoughts on why this holiday is a negative thing and promotes a poor outlook on life.

Fact 1: If your so called Holiday's factual basis is unknown, or has a certain lack of consistency, should it still be celebrated? Probably not.

Though it has been removed from the Roman Catholic Saint's Calendar observances, the Day of St. Valentine, set on February 14th, was originally a feast day. There are a number of martyred saints named Valentine, so no one really knows much about the one for whom the fest is written, beyond the fact that he was buried on the 14th of February. Many claim he was martyred for marrying Christian couples, but there's no evidence of this beyond story. It is more likely that the day was created to encompass the pagan holiday of Lupercalia (or at least, this is suggested by some Victorian historians). Fact of the matter is that the celebrations of "love" didn't come until significantly later, in the 14th century, with Chaucer's incorporation of a love into a poem. (Yes, the same Chaucer most people hate for Canteburry Tales which, despite a true amount of artistic merit, is just a bitch to read and analyze because of it's Middle English reliance).

[A/N: I have the same sentiments on this as I do about Christmas. I'm largely not religious, though I can respect those who have religion. But if you're celebrating your savior's birthday in winter, when most theologians place it in Spring, and the date happens to coincide with the Pagan holiday of Yule and use pagan traditions is largely overshadowed by the purchasing of gifts, it's kind of retarded. Just saying. Although people with the right kind of "christmas" spirit make me happy. :D]

Fact 2: If you live in a nation of consumerists, and hypocritically bitch about it's consumerist nature, while being a largely unconscious consumerist, a holiday that promotes rampant consumerism only makes you more hypocritical.


Written Valentine's became an occurrence after Chaucer's atrocity, but mass produced Valentines didn't become the norm until the 19th century. (probably as a means for horny and prudish Victorians to profess themselves.... let's face it.) These days, 180 million cards are given annually (this makes it the second most. The most is Christmas.) People even give cards to their pets. Men spend an average of 130$ on cards, candy and jewelry. 14.4 billion dollars of shipments for valentines day were sent in 2007 for CHOCOLATE ONLY. Geesh people. Give it a break. How about donating some of that money to those in need? or spreading it across the year to show love for your partner at all times and not just one day.

Fact 3: If your symbology is related to a Pagan god known as the promoter of lust and sexual love, you've got issues.


Valentine's symbolism is probably the most ironic thing on the planet. Cupid? He's reminiscent of a combination of an angelic cherub, and Eros, the greek god of sexual love. Yes. Let's promote LUST instead of true love. Great idea. Or how about hearts? THAT LOOK NOTHING LIKE HEARTS. Did you know the the symbol we currently use for a heart is made as a figure of a woman bending over? Yeah. That's right. Think about that one for a second.

Fact 4: LOVE means so much more than ONE freaking holiday.

What's the one thing you hear people lament about at funerals? "I should've told him/her that I loved him/her more." So why do we celebrate ONE day of love. Love, no matter what kind, be it puppy, romantic, or between friends or family, should be celebrated. It's a gift. I'm hispanic. If there's one thing my people believe in above all else it's love. Relationships that don't encourage a constant state or sentiment of love just shouldn't be promoted. Love is all around, and we should remember that. Imagine how much better the world would be if people held that thought dear more often.

So here's my hopes for you, dear reader. Give up the consumerist aspect of a shitty holiday. Don't buy cards or candy (maybe sparingly....). Spend the day without fluff. Hang out with someone you love, no matter in what way, and tell them that you love them. Not just today. But tomorrow. And the day after. And after that. So long as it remains true.

Thoughts on and for the new year.

New Years have never been my thing.

If you need more proof, just look at the fact that I slept well over 16 hours last night. (Had a migraine, but not the point.)

I understand people's ideas and motives with the whole "Last year sucked, ready for the next one." And while I think getting extremely drunk and making more bad decisions to welcome in the new year is a bit counterproductive, to each their own. Also, a year is a good way to mark time. And make new goals.

So this isn't a total diss on "OMG. ANTI-MAINSTREAM NEW YEARS IS RETARDED IT ISN'T EVEN AN ACCURATE MARKING OF A TRUTH EARTH YEAR BLAH BLAH" Hipster indie thing. But I do feel like it is a bit overrated and that people need to analyze their improperly founded motives.

First, the whole "Last year sucked blah blah" Of course last year sucked. You say that every year. Even I say that every year. You know why? Because psychologically we remember the more emotional moments, which tend to be the sucky ones. Instead of thinking last year sucked, try to remember the cool things, or new things you did. Or things you realized you want to try. (Easier said than done, but the premise is to TRY).

Also, partying on new year. I don't get it. Yay. You survived another year. You're one year closer to dying. (Or optimistically, YOU SURVIVED ANOTHER YEAR). So get really drunk and party it up and drive home. Or maybe you don't drive home drunk. Someone else will though. You know the number of drunk driving incidents is statistically significantly higher around New Year. so maybe you're not driving drunk. But is it the best idea to get on the road when you know others are. Not to mention, increasing strict protocols of cops. So you're not drunk anymore but you were. You'll still face a lot of trouble. Not worth the risk to me.

Not to mention the bad decisions people make. Sure this isn't everyone. But I've already heard two "OMG I MESSED UP" stories. Tell you what. If you want next year to not suck, don't end the previous year by sucking. Just an idea.

Also, new years resolutions. If you haven't followed them in the past chances are you won't now. If you want to make a goal do it at a time that is significant to you and not the whole world. It'll mean more and be more memorable. Then you're more likely to stick to it. And learn to make goals. So many goals are unreasonable and unattainable. A goal should be specific, in some way extrinsically measurable, and have a time limit on it. You should also write it down somewhere you'll see it frequently. And it should be personally significant.


So these are my thoughts on and for the new year. That being said, I really do hope everyone had an enjoyable new years experience if they celebrated. And best wishes to everyone in the new year. I hope everyone can take control of their life and make the best of it.

And some new years advice from my people: Una vida sin amor es como un año sin verano.

A View from my window

I think I'm going to start doing this often. Like maybe a once a week thing. Anyway, this is currently the view from my window as I sit here in my bedroom, trying to come up with a blog.

It's kind of pretty. You know, despite being purely suburbia. And its oddly calming.

How're you liking your view right now?

Trust

How long does it take for someone to earn your trust?
And once they've earned it, do they get chances to redeem it once they've done something to make you lose trust in them?
What is sufficient enough to make you lose trust?
And what is sufficient enough to gain it back? Is it even possible?

Though there are a lot of things ruling my life right now, this seems the most tangible. Or controllable at least.

A good friend of mine--
Actually, to be honest, the guy I was kind of involved with who became my best friend, lost my trust. It's a long, crazy, whirlwind of a story and maybe I'll write it someday, but its not the focus. Essentially, I feel like after some things he said to me involving his character, my character and that we "weren't friends," I can't trust him.

But after fighting, trying to be normal, and my recent bout of depression, we finally talked about it and he claims to want to be my friend, to be able to open up to me, to be a part of my life.

I told him straight out, I'm not sure if I can be your friend, not the way we were, because I don't trust you. He didn't argue or wonder why he lost my trust, though we did discuss a bit why I didn't consider him and why I didn't want to be his friend. But he asked how to earn my trust back, to which I responded, "I don't know."



It's true. Mostly. Really, I could tell him why he lost it, despite my claims of "I just don't trust you." And I have a few ideas on what would earn my trust back. But the fact of the matter is I feel that's something he should figure out himself if he really wants my trust. It seems a little petty, but I feel it's not all that unreasonable.

He lost my trust because I cared about him. I still do. And you'd think he'd know that. But he seems to think he can act like nothing happened, that he can make jokes about our relationship or freely talk about his want to hookup with whoever possible. And I'm supposed to be ok with that. Despite the fact that I still care and its breaking my heart. I feel like its not too much to ask to express a want for courtesy or common sense. Especially since I "mean a lot to him."

I also don't know what to think of his intentions. I keep getting excuses of either "I'm not good enough for you" which makes me think he cares or "I'm a bad person. I like to mess with people, etc." So which one is it. These back and forth-s made me lose trust and prevent me from giving it back. I'm scared he's secretly messing with me, that he may or may not have been and is still stringing me along and making fun of me for caring about him so much.

I don't want to believe that. I really hope and wish with all my heart that I was right originally and that he's just struggling.

But then his actions confuse me.

Because to me if you tell someone you plan on earning their trust back, you put action toward it. Sure, maybe you settle into things a little. Let them ease to the way they were. But it takes more action. Is it too much to ask for proof that he wants my trust, proof that I do matter and that he's not just saying this. Even small gestures, like trying to be observant of someone's mood prove caring. And if he wants us to be "close," let's have real talks once in a while. Prove you want to be able to relate to m. Sure we like a lot of the same things superficially but what about emotions, feelings, opinions. I want him to be the one to say "Somethings wrong" not even a question, and basically pull me aside and have me confide in him without me having to ask. I don't trust him enough to ask anymore. I want him to tell me when he's struggling. I want that action to move towards the winning of trust. And I don't want to wait for it.

We have three weeks left of school. Then summer, during which he usually disappears, and then he's abroad for a full year. I don't want to be put on the back burner, I don't want this to be a slow process and I don't want him to think he come back from London and expect us to be best friends again. It doesn't work that way.

All in all, I know what I want from him and I don't. I know a few things that would help the trust process, but really, I need to hear it from him on his own accord through his own means. And I'm not sure if telling him all this would even help the process, or if it having to tell him proves my point.

I want to be able to trust him. I do. But I already gave him my heart, and look how that ended up.

I hate Sugarcult for summing me up right now

"Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything,
pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about.
And that's what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head.
And that's what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head.
It's the way that he makes you feel,
it's the way that he kisses you,
it's the way that he makes you fall in love."
-Pretty Girl, Sugarcult

Theatres, Torchwood and Things

Greetings all,

It's been a while. Things get busy, ruts happen and life moves along.

So starting off small:

I saw two movies this week. 500 Days of Summer and The Ugly Truth.

First, 500 Days of Summer was pretty good. I'm usual not big on Indie-esque flicks because I feel that they're pretentious, but this was amazing. Joseph Gordon-Levitt really played his role well as a hopeless romantic, thinking he's found the "one" in Zooey Deschanel's character summer. It's non-chronological, but not in an annoying way like Vantage Point, and in fact it really adds to the movie. The end makes it realisitc and not your typical romantic movie, but at the same time, it leaves a lot of potential for the characters (and further reinforces a belief of mine that I'll discuss sometime in the future)

The Ugly Truth was funny. Honestly there's not better way to put it. So maybe there wasn't amazing writing or academy award winning acting, but it was entertaining and just fun. Ars gratis artis, people.

As far as T.V., I've been watching Torchwood Children of the Earth. I've kind of followed Torchwood and the Doctor Who series sporadically, but rather than do a season three, Torchwood did a five episode mini-series. It was interesting. The gist involves an alien race using children to contact the world. We find out the aliens have requests for a chamber they can live in and commands for the world to give up 10% of their children. Torchwood is an organization trained in alien affairs that try to help but then are put on a hit list by the government in order to cover up a similar event in the '60's. Other minor need to knows are that Captain Jack Harkness, who is in charge of Torchwood, is incapable of dying, and that Gwen, a former cop turned Torchwood, is pregnant. It leads to some very interesting drama. It really was an amazing run with lots of unexpected turns and things that would be Taboo in American t.v. (Ah, thats BBC for you). It also showed an amazing depth in the characters and in the personality of people. I suggest watching it to get the full effect.

Yesterday a group of us went to Hard Rock Cafe Dallas, which was pretty fun. I got an awesome Hard Rock Glass and the TRE failed at being on time, but it all in all went well.

Sadly though, I must now get ready for the monotony that is work. The bright side is I have 1 month until Rice!!!

Inspiration, Intimidation and Everything in between.

I really feel like I'm not keeping up with my blogging as I should, but with life consisting mainly of work and sleep, I find it difficult to escape the monotonous days and find something to write about.

But, alas, as I am now here typing, something (or rather some things) have come up that brought me to blogging again.

I went to the Harry Potter premiere with Valorie and my younger brother at Harkins. We did a lot of high school reminiscing and didn't really run into anyone we didn't want to, which was refreshing. Also, the movie itself was one of the better Potter films in my opinion. As usual there were some plot details I wish they had covered, but it had less uselessness, and it utilized light moments in an otherwise dark film.

A new store opened in the place of virgin records. It's a female clothing store and I seriously might need a whole day to check it out, because it looks legit awesome.

This afternoon I watched the film "To Sir, with Love" starring Sidney Poitier. I've always been a fan of Poitier and I watched this film once with my mother as a child (It's her favorite). I even have the single by Lulu on my iPod. But I had yet to watch it at a mature age where I fully understood what was going on. It reminded me of other later films such as "Stand and Deliver" and "Dead Poet's Society" both of which portray influential teachers. But each film covers different means through which respect for a teacher is gained. With "Stand and Deliver" it's a unique teaching style, with "Dead Poet's Society" it Robin Williams encouragement of the boy's creativity and interests outside the class room. With Sidney Poitier's character, the tool is treating the kids as adults in the real world. He teaches them manners and propriety and the all too sadly true fact that life just isn't fair. It handles social situations rather while for a '60's film as well. I really enjoyed it and encourage those who haven't seen it to try it.


Finally, I started two new projects. One was inspired from Valorie's "Photo a Day" resolution. I'm essentially trying to do the same thing. I really ought to use my camera more. My other project is to incorporate art more into my daily life and possessions. In honor of this, I sharpied my black and green converse. One shoe is a portrayal of war and destruction while the other is love, peace and happiness. I'm not quite done yet. I need to color the lines around the shoes and either switch to more colorful paperclips or buy new laces. But I like this one so far. I'll try to post other projects and they come along.

Anyway, that's all for now. More to come your way soon.

"I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me, Papa-Paparazzi."

Title today is a Lady Gaga song, and honestly probably my favorite one. Just so catchy. It's been stuck in my head a while.

So this morning while I was doing my daily get-ready routine, I had a blog idea, but now I really can't remember what it was! Which proves of course, that I either need to write things down more, or just get a better memory. Overall though, I figured I needed to post anyway, so I figured I'd cover a few things instead of just one.

In the news today: For one, there was a shooting at the Holocaust Memorial Museum today. Apparently the guy is a white supremacist that denies it happened. One security guard died (RIP. I feel bad for the family). I really don't know much more of it other than the guy having a history of being a bit of a nut job. But this kind of ties along with something I'm working on that I'll touch later.

Also, FINALLY! Carrie Prejean lost the Miss California crown. I love the stupidity of the program. They don't fire her over topless photos or joining groups blatanly against her contract, but they fire her over...wait...what was it again? CONTRACT VIOLATIONS. Apparently she's not keeping up with her public appearances so NOW they fire her. Idiots. I love how she got to keep her crown despite topless photos while Vanessa Williams was forced to give hers up years ago for the same thing. It sounds so bitchy to celebrate this but it really just isn't right that she got to be an exception to that rule that's ruined things for so many others. And of course she had the audacity to act like a "target" for all the shit she was getting from the media for joinging the anti-gay marriage group saying they were attacking her views when she clearly did violate her contract and that's what they were pointing out. I'm just glad she's out. Though I expect she'll be around in the news some more.

That's it on my news updates. In other news, yesterday was pretty fun. I chilled with Valorie and Kevin and various other C-ville and G-vine friends at Buon Giorno's for open mic, which was fun. After Rie and I drove around aimlessly blasting pretty awesome summer playlist music. That's really what summer is all about. I have work at 1 tomorrow, which is much better than 10. And I'm really really hoping that other place (Maybee New York, the clothing store across from Group USA) hires me for sure, because it means more money, less time at home bored, and a FIXED schedule. I really hope working a lot won't be too bad.

Here's how things are going as far as my projects:
1. I'm gathering newspaper headlines about war, violence and other world troubles (Much like what happened with the Holocaust Museum Shooting). I'm going to try to do a Peace Sign, probably paper mache style, but I'm not sure yet. But if anyone has headlines they want to give me from a paper or magazine that'd be awesome. I'm going to extend this project to other media and might do stuff with household items for jewelry and clothes, but this is it for now. More to come.

2. I'm expanding my music collection. Suggestions are very welcome. I'll even extend this to CDs and books.

3. If anyone hits up a starbucks that still prints the inspiration shit on the back of the cups, if you could rinse and save those for me, that'd be awesome as well. That's another project.

4. I NEED MORE PICTURES. I know I always say I hate them, but ignore me because I always regret not having them.

5. I've been working more on the meditation and yoga. If anyone has any suggestions for more spiritual related stuff like this, I'd love to hear them.

6. Still working/need to work on Spanish/Orgo/ maybe Mech? Ew.

7. I'm working on my room. More to come on that.


Things I've done lately
1. Worked
2. Hung Out with Valorie
3. Cleaned
4. Gathered Headlines for my project.
5. Meditated
6. Did some of that school work
7. Blogged
Things for tomorrow/the new future
1. Work
2. Be social?
3. Work more on my project and start the new ones
4. Do more web design and prep for all the shit I'll have to do in the school year.
5. More Schoolwork
6. Find a book/song that's inspiring
7. Write
8.Meditate
9. Take Pictures
10. Blog
11. Work on my room
12. Organize
13. And lucky 13? Inspire someone.

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone...

...but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy." - Walter Anderson

How important is trust in a relationship? How deeply should you trust and have faith? Where do you draw the line? When can one exercise trust but still make another aware of unacceptable actions? When can you forgive and forget and when you should fight, both while trusting and after trust is lost and the truth is out?

The theme of this blog is again founded on events in the lives of others, such as those in the media and people I know, as well as my own personal experiences.

For a more large scale example:

Affairs. Adultery. We know they happen. And it seems often, looking back, the victim often admits they suspected. That they knew. But again, it all draws into trust. Did it happen because they were too trusting? When they felt trust was compromised, should it have been discussed? Was trust compromised before the actual affair or once it began.

It's a tough situation and there seems to be not absolute answer, but it all lies in trust.

On a similar and equally complicated note:
When a couple is merely dating (or have an understanding much like dating), at what level are friendships with the opposite, (or even same for homosexual or bisexual couples) acceptable? How should ex's be treated? When do you trust someone with their ex and when do you admit that maybe the relationship is too comfortable?

Then comes confrontation. How do you address it? When can it be acceptably written off as jealousy? How do you have a calm, normal, understanding conversation? Or is that even possible?

Love is trust. And I'm not sure how to handle it. Maybe I'm too trusting, or not trusting enough. But I'm tired of having my heart broken.

I only wish I could abide by Shakespeare, but even that is difficult: "Love all, trust few"

"Love is a promise, love is a souviner..."

"...once given never forgotten, never let it disappear."
- John Lennon.

I feel Lennon is perfect for this post. The man had a way with words. Honestly, given that the way I feel on this topic is near indescribable (as it is for everyone I imagine), I feel his words are the closest fit.

I haven't been sleeping lately. Part of it is the usual insomnia, and another portion is bad dreams. But another more vital bit is worry. Worry because (dare I say it?) I'm falling in love.

Honestly, I've liked guys. I've been in relationships. But I've always been chill about the concept of love. I realize there are multiple types of love, and I have no doubt I've loved everyone from a relationship in a unique way. But I'm actually willing to say this might be the real deal. Like "IN LOVE." And it scares me. I'm terrified. Because while I know he has feelings for me, I'm fighting lots of things. The odds of us still wanting the same thing in three months when we're back at school and have the opportunity to start the relationship. The odds of him falling back in love with the ex he's trying to get over. Of the odds of him getting over her as well as me in the process.

This isn't what this whole post is about though. It's more of part of the pre-cursor that led me to my thoughts.

Another contributing factor:

I have a friend (once my best friend in middle/early high school years), who recently broke up with her boyfriend. No big, except it was a four year relationship. When they started dating, late in our freshman year of high school, I was happy for her but concerned. He went to a different high school, I didn't know him, and I was admittedly a little jealous that I would have to seriously share my friends. But I got to know him, he was good to her and for her and he was really easy to get along with. So it became less of an issue. I've always felt there relationship is one of the best for people among my age that I've known. I know a lot of friends that dated for long periods through high school and while I hoped for this, I knew realistically the odds of high school sweethearts marrying was pretty much slim to none. But of everyone, I expected them to pull through. I legitimately thought and hoped they could make it. Because if a couple like them couldn't, then how could the rest of us, who were all struggling in love. And while my friend and I aren't as close as we once were, I truly hope for her sake, as well as the sake of my faith in love: true, unadulterated love, that this will be fixed.

Wikipedia (Yes, I'm using it as a source, for good reason as it represents to an extent, public views) has a section for love. It defines love as "any number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment."

The fact of it is, while love has multiple forms and there are varying degrees of it, I feel like we try to pass it off as indescribable or incomparable in order to just flat out avoid the topic. In reality, love may not be fully captured by images or words persay, but we can still describe it, or encompass it as how we each individually view it, whether it be through gestures, words, writings, music, art or even whispered hopes and dreams.

Love to me is best captured by the chinese character for love:
According to wiki, this Kanji is divided to what (to me at least) love consists of. The heart is represented by the middle character, inside of the bits for accept, feel, or perceive on the top and bottom.

Love is, giving your heart, perhaps against your better judgement or thoughts, in its true element. No judgement, no alterations. Just pure emotion that encompasses and accepts, no matter the damage. That is love, and that is where it's power roots from.

I think my GT History/English teacher, Mrs. Timmons, described it best when she discussed love with us. For women, the brain is a hallway of doors, where various doors are open at once, representing the multitude of things we're dealing with. When love ends, she closes the door, but leaves it a crack open, ready to come back to it if necessary. For woman, a love, no matter how much time, will always hurt just a little. Men have the same doors, but only one is open at a time. And when love ends, the door is closed, though they may come back to it at some point.

This to me, is important. If we can understand how we love and how those we love feel love, perhaps it would allow for better communications. Perhaps it'll allows us to the say the words we're often afraid of, it'll let us quit overanalyzing and just love, the pure, raw emotion. No thought necessary.

And while perhaps this is my idealism speaking, and I realize that this understanding may not and will not fix the relationship problems of the world, perhaps, it'll make us understand the feeling, and each other a little better.

The honest truth is, while I'm willing to say I may be in love, I'm losing faith in it. I'm terrified. More than I've ever been in my life. Because I want so badly to believe that he loves me back, that he'll still love me in some way when I have my chance to be with him, and that maybe things will truly work out, I feel that, if people I had faith in could lose it, if our divorce rate is at a whopping 50%, if people are more and more resorting to one-night-stands, friends with benefits and hookups instead of relationships, then what chance does little old me have? Me, the girl who has had a series of failed short-term relationships, let downs and rejections. What chance do I have at love with this guy that I want to love me so badly?

Oddly enough, Nietzsche put it best: "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness."

"I had a dream" , "And so did I." , "What was yours?", "That dreamers often lie..."

Every time I hear that quote, it brings so many thoughts to my head.

For anyone who wonders, that's from Romeo and Juliet, when Romeo and Mercutio are talking right before the Capulet party. I re-watched both the '67 and Baz Luhrman versions of the play recently so they're fresh in my head.







I don't know if it makes anyone else think. But I know it makes me think. It makes me wonder how many of us are honest about our dreams. Or whether in our dreams is the only time we're honest.

I'm big into dream interpretation. And I know a lot of people think its bogus. But I can't shake off the feeling that there's something more to them...

I wish I could be more consistent with my dream journal. I'm going to work on that.

My thoughts have led me elsewhere of course. To relationships.
Not just romantic ones. I'm not desperate for a boy or anything.
But I've been realizing. Realizing how there's so few people I can tolerate from high school. How so many of them ended up in schools where they see mostly each other and have few new friends.

I feel so lucky because I've met so many new people. SO many new friends. But at the same time, I feel so out of the loop. Not un-liked, persay, but just left out, because I hang out with many groups instead of one.

To me, it roots from eclecticism. It's part of being into a lot of everything. The fact of the matter is, I have my moods. Sure some of it is part of being bipolar. But a lot of it is having many passions. And honestly, I'm not going to hang with a certain group of friends if I'm not in a certain mood. I imagine it probably seems rude or what not to some people, but hanging with them when I'm not in the right mood won't make anyone happy.

And of course, the ever popular topic of boys. I can't deny I'm scared and even lonely at times. But I'm not miserable. Part of me just wants a solid and longer than two month relationship. Something to encourage me and to help me feel that there's nothing wrong with me. Something to keep my hopes up. Because I'm so afraid. Afraid of not finding someone, of not getting married. Of not having those kids I dream of.

It definitely all comes full circle doesn't it?
Dreams to thoughts and back to dreams.

In the words of Edgar Allan Poe: "All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."